AHAHAHA!

It just keeps getting trickier! I tried to comment on my own post, a very funny quip, if I must say. And when I hit the comment button, it told me that my account did not have access to view this blog!!!!!!!!!

Blogger, there is something weird going on!

Not Me Monday

Well, I apparently did not create a not me blog post yesterday evening. I did not save it. How can you save something you did not create? Hmmm? I did not inadvertantly erase it. There was nothing to erase! I do not have a not me post this morning.

So! Here I go again . . .

I did not carve our Halloween pumpkin on Wednesday, Nov. 9.

I also did not stage a Halloween reinactment yesterday so I could get pictures of our kids in their costumes, because we did not forget to do it on Halloween. Not us.

I did not let the time run away with me; I never do that. Not ever. And this losing of time did not create crying and flailing llamas out of my children because my children are never stressed out because of hunger because I never forget to prepare their lunch! HA!

What is it?

It's a cricket! And a beautiful boy!

Maddy's Birthday

Today is Maddy's birthday. I still believe her life happened (and is happening) just as it was meant to. I have no regrets. But I do wonder sometimes these days as I watch her brother and sisters grow, Where is my 6 year old? What would it be like to have a 4th child included in this herd of cats? hehe. Okay, Sarah, they aren't bad, just busy. : )
I do think she would look like her sisters, and wonder what her favorite fruit would be. She would be so great at being a kindergartener this year.

As always, I love talking about her, our story of having our first child. I thought alot about it over the last few days; well, truly the last month. If you know Maddy's story, the next two paragraphs are just a repeat you can skip if you don't have the time.

This year the days all fall on the same day everything happened in 2005. Ben and I found a sweet, clean, beautiful home in October of 2005 and moved on Monday, Oct. 31. The Friday before that was Oct. 28. A dr appointment for me. Stress test. Maddy did not pass: C+. That may be good for school, but it is not good for a baby. Still, since we already knew her condition, we didn't do anything. On Friday Nov. 4 I started to think about her birth and keeping her as comfortable as possible and wanted to have her at a heart hospital in Pensacola so I called the dr to discuss it. There was conversation over the phone but we decided to wait until my next appointment to make real decisions. That first weekend in our new home was wonderful. We unpacked some boxes, relaxed, went for a walk to the beach and on the beach. Yes, our new home was 2 blocks from the Gulf of Mexico. Oh we miss that home. The walk was wonderful. Went to work Monday, and Tuesday, Nov. 8 was my appointment. The dr was very open to my questions and my desires, and even though I went there to convince her to let me have Maddy in Pensacola, I don't remember what we actually decided. At the end of the appointment, I asked to hear her heartbeat. Sadly, it could not be found. An ultrasound confirmed that Maddy's heart was no longer beating. The discussion started anew: What do we do now?

Simply enough, I was given the luxury of giving simple bloodwork, leave to go home, and a pill to start labor when I was ready. Those things were truly a gift, to let us decide when we were ready. I thank my dr for her consideration of me, and her obvious insight in what was best for me. Her behaviour and decisions throughout our pregnancy showed that she was a good but young dr and some things could have been handled better. This special thing she did for me was perfect. Ben and I went to get some things we wanted for her birth, went to eat, and started the medicine before bed. Labor happened so quickly I didn't really know what was going on. We started the hour long drive to the hospital at 12:30 am, arrived in the parking lot at 1:45 am, and she was born at 2:33 am early Wednesday morning, November 9, 2005.

I love remembering! And yesterday was a beautiful day here, warm, windy, reminded me of walking on the beach in Santa Rosa, and if I had had the choice, I would have kidnapped Ben from work and driven straight there, just to feel the wind on my face there again.

Now to make a birthday treat! : )

No, I did not do that, and neither did Katie. : )

This is another Not Me! Monday post on Tuesday, which I am sure is likely to happen often. I just skipped out on it yesterday. Blogging is just not as important as feeding children, washing leftovers off the house, and sunbathing during nap time. No, that was not me who sat out on the patio soaking up some sun at 3pm, ignoring the inner workings of our home when I heard my son shout, "Mama, Liv is crying!" faintly through the back door, and no it was not me who was amazed to hear a screaming 16 mo old when I opened the door. Not me.

I absolutely did not spend way too much time last week trying to figure out how to link the original Not Me! Monday blog to my own, only to fail 3 times. There are clear instructions, yet somehow I manage to not be able to follow them.

It was not me who considered hiring a sitter one day last week so I could lock myself in the bedroom for 5 hours, catch up on blogs, read recipes and discover this 'pinterest' everyone is using. Actually, this is not a bad idea, glad I did not think of it.

Who put nail shavings in a drawer and the clipper in the trash? Certainly, it was not me.
Who gave the baby a pen and notepad and expect her to stay in the kitchen like her sister and brother? It was absolutely not the same person who did not just wash that same couch cushion three days earlier and now has to wrestle to get it back on again. Oh, that was so not me.

And I absolutely did not leave the kitchen with freshly frosted confectionaries and little people alone after dinner so I could 'veg' out on the couch in front of the t.v. only to gasp in pure surprise 3 seconds later when Liv came around the corner with her own chocolate cupcake from off the kitchen counter that I thought was out of her reach. And no, it was not Katie who gave it to her after getting one for herself. And I did not curse in my brain about the situation because I had already given them each one after dinner, cleaned everybody up and placed in new outfits only to have to do it all again. And just to be clear Katie had not already snuck a second one while I was cleaning Liv the first time, which would then not make this her 3rd cupcake for the night. This did not happen to me last night. I also did not let Eddie in on the additional cupcakes, so sadly he did not get but one. : (

This is the second cupcake. Joy!

And I am not disappointed that the original Not Me! Monday also had other priorities this week and therefore did not post a not me blog thus resulting in no one else's horrible not me stories to laugh at. (Though really I'm just upset there is no prize to shoot for this week.)

Not Me Mondays!

I did not watch for 3 seconds before correcting Liv as she pressed her face against the McDonald's Playland door and washed the glass with her tongue. Not Me!
I did not have 3 separate incidents of accidentally ingesting disgusting and gag producing things in less that a 24 hour period.
There was most definitely not an old cup of tea in my car this weekend that was automatically sipped upon!
I did not take a bedtime swig from a bottle of water off the table only to find pieces of SOMETHING floating around in my mouth (thank you children). Aaack!!!!
My hands DID NOT resort to muscle memory while cooking breakfast and bring my finger to my mouth after moving the bowl I just made biscuit batter in only to realize it wasn't anything more than raw egg. Not me!
Thinking of these imaginary things does not make me cringe with disgust because I didn't do them. Not me.

: )

Kids are hilarious

Yesterday morning Eddie and Katie were playing with their toy strollers and babys. Eddie was following Katie around, using a baby voice, saying, "Mommy, milk! Milk! Milk, Mama!" Katie replied, "But I don't have milk, my nipples aren't big enough."
They then continued to have a conversation about how her nipples were too small, that she need to eat good food so her nipples would grow big, and how Eddie's nipples did not get milk because that is not what daddy's do.

In the evening we were all watching a movie together, all five of us lined up on the couch, sucked into this movie. Everything had been quite, when suddenly this high pitched little voice says, "Hey Eddie! Smell my feet!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Gluten Free Lava Cake

I still don't know how I am going to get the picture from my phone to my blog, but here is the recipe!

Gluten Free Lava Cake

8 oz semisweet chocolate pieces
10 oz butter
1/2 cup gluten free bisquick
1 cup powdered sugar
3 eggs
3 egg yolks
1 teaspoon vanilla

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Grease 6 ramekins with butter. Melt chocolate and butter in microwave or double boiler. Add flour and sugar to chocolate mixuture. Stir in eggs and yolks until smooth. Stir in vanilla. Divide batter evenly among ramekins, Place in oven and bake for 14 minutes.

Now, I altered this recipe, and am even thinking of altering it more. You absolutely could not tell these were gf. The cake had no grittyness or sandyness at all. But it did seem quite cakey, where the lava cakes I have had in the past were more crusty. I may use just a gf flour, like almond flour, instead of bisquick, since it has other cooking agents in it. And, I only had 3 ramekins, so I filled them 2/3 full, and poured the rest into a 7 in ceramic dish. Oddly, the big one was really gooey in the middle, though it cooked much longer than the little ones.

Regardless of how you decide to cook it, both ways were very good, and great over ice cream!

Chris, I suggest you try this for your family and don't tell them it is gf and see if they can tell.

Not Me Mondays! (Tuesday this week)

Well, this blog has been important to me in the past, and even though it has been over two years since I have posted on it and a HUGE amount of things have happened since then, it has still been on my mind. Maddy's story is very much important to me, but will wait for now. One day I will get it all done!
This blog renewal is actually in response to one blog I read who has Not Me Mondays. She invites her readers to also have Not Me Mondays, and possibly win something from her! ; )

I would never do something just to win a prize, not me!
I never wait too long to cook dinner, resulting in complete meltdown of the children, not me!
I would never eat a day old cookie from the car, even if it was my favorite and never just to make it easier to clean out the car, not me!
I have never flung a diaper off my baby so fast, not realizing there was small rabbit poo inside which then proceeded to fall all over her and the changing table, not me! The absolutely did not happen to me yesterday, as I was in the middle of dinner and children melting down and my head ablaze with crushing sinus pressure and ears red with fire! Not me, and never on a Monday, the day of all days, would I do that!

Check out this awesome GLUTEN FREE Lava Cake I made last week!
IT WAS SOOOOOOO GOOD!
Oh, picture, where are you? Oh, wait. That picture is on my phone. Drat. I'll have to figure this thing out a little more . . .

Our baby . . .

April was just great! I could not believe I was going to have a baby!
MAy was pretty great too, we were getting excited, and just waiting for the first trimester to be over! I really hadn't been sick at all and was very excited about that. Around the middle of the month we were just getting so excited! Mother's day was comiong! I know we didn't techinically have a baby in our arms, but we were still a mommy and daddy! WOW!
On Mother's Day we decided to go to one of our favorite places to eat - a mexican restaraunt in Niceville, and on the way in across the parking lot I said, "Ben, I know we like Edward for a boys name, but what about if it is a girl? What do you think about Madeline?"
He looked at me, "That is perfect. I was thinking about that too."
We had a good time at lunch that Sunday. The waitress asked if we had any kids, and we said, "Not yet, but in December we should!" She said congratulations, and gave me a white carnation.
We had decided not to tell anyone that we were pregnant yet, except Patti, Emily and Martha knew. However, around 11 weeks we decided we needed to give some happy news to Ben's mom. She had been going through quite a lot, and was just down, down, down in the pits. Ben was talking to her on the phone one evening, she was in the bathtub and had been there for more than an hour, and not wanting to get out. So he asked if he could tell her. She was SO excited, she did not believe it. She cried. Then I called my mom and told her, and her was very excited too! She probably cried also!
May was great! By the last week of May we were 13 weeks.

So, July is gone

Well, thoughts don't become posts unless they get typed, wouldn't you say?
I would so say.
To my defense, I have been busy, and enjoying living with my family. We have found a new home to move to, and are getting ready. That will be next weekend, and through the end of Aug.
I am sad that I missed posting in July though, since that is the anniversary of the day we got the results of our first baby's triple screen blood test. I was hoping at that point to type things on the day they happened. So far, no go.

Soon. Maybe. Right now there is a little bunlde of baby in my lap, and she is enjoying the mail. Her birthday is next week! 1! Go Katie!

What am I thinking?

Oh my! I am pregnant! We are going to have a baby! It is a very exciting thought! What are we going to do? What kind of clothes should we buy? We don't really mind whether it's a boy or girl, although a boy would be nice since there are so many girls in the family! What names will we pick? We know we like Edward for a boy - that is Ben's middle name, and what they called his dad - "Eddie". Now, some ask, why don't you name a boy after Ben? Because Ben is Benjamin Edward Johns, III, and we don't want to lay the royal burden of Benjamin Edward Johns, IV, on any grade school fellow. Although I have to admit I am kindof partial to Benjamin - I really like that one.
I really, secretly feel we are going to have a boy, just kindof thinking that! Oh, we can't wait to find out what we are having! Baby due on Dec. 8! Christmas time will be so wonderful!

Post, what post?

I am not sure where I left off with Maddy, but here goes . . .
By the time April was under way, we were so excited! We had decided not to tell anyone in our family to make sure we were going to make it through the first trimester. We did tell our coworkers, and that was so exciting - we felt so proud!
I was just bubbling over at work! I started eating better, thinking sweet thoughts about babies - all the stuff you plan when you are expecting your first! On April 10 I couldn't keep it secret much longer - I told my sister Patti. She was expecting her first, due June 22. She told me she spilled her water in her purse when I told her! I was going through MS to see her the next weekend for her own baby shower, stopping in Hamilton to see my good friend Emily and have a MK party at her house - so fun! And, she had a little gift ready for me - a sweet little ducky blanket - which I am still using today! We (Baby and me) also stopped through Clinton, MS, where I went to college, saw sweet Dr. Williams, told her, and wonderful Lyda Stark my student teacher and told her. They were so excited for me. I am glad I included them in my little trip!
I was looking to get some good friends where we lived so I asked a great person from work to go shopping with me - Trish. She met me at the outlet mall sometime that April. I knew I would need maternity clothes soon! I had fun, Trish was so fun to hang out with. Unfortunately she told us all the next month she was quitting and moving. We missed her. Thank you Trish for hanging out with me Saturday, April 16, one of Maddy's days!
The first appointment was set for April 29. I was nervous about it. I am not a dr person, I don't like needles, nor do I like the band aid smell of dr's offices - yuck! I don't like the thought that someone is going to touch me, poke me, hurt me, etc. I was hoping this was just going to be basic, and I wouldn't be in too much pain! Money was also a source of fretting. We also had very inadequate insurance - it would basically pay for 10% - and less than that for the hospital. We did find a nice woman - Dr Kathryn Stevens in Ft. Walton Beach, about 30 min away, but right next door to the best hospital in the area.
On Friday, April 29, 2005 , Ben and I had our first appointment. We waited in the waiting room. They called my name, we go back and weigh me, blood pressure good - although I feel like it should be through the roof! They send us to the room. Sadly for me, they told me to undress, What does that mean they are going to do?, I wondered.
Dr. Stevens came in for a little just to meet us and say hi. She introduced herself, and us likewise. "I am Dr. Kathryn Stevens, congratulations." We talked about where they deliver, today she'd do a pap smear (which I tried to protest cause I just had one 5 mo earlier). Then she left and said she'd be back. Ben left so he wouldn't have to see the 'girly' stuff.
While I was waiting TOO long (because I think we all know what waiting does to the nerves) in comes this little nurse, with a very short attitude and a needle. "What is that for?" I queried. "Your blood test." Her name was Sara. : ) She looked like she had just graduated.
"Um, I was not told about a blood test."
She continued to get things ready to my confusion, because did I not just make it clear that I want no blood test? Then she came at me with the 'arm-noose' and that item alone is enough to send me into a frenzy of tears! I pulled back and had a look of terror on my face - she looked at me like I was stupid. "This is normal, everyone takes a blood test."
I am not sure what I said really, but it was probably with a very shaky voice and something to the effect of, "No, I can't, let me talk to the dr." I think I remember I literally had to climb up the exam table because she was still trying to put that rubber band on my arm, and fear was coursing through me. I just could not let her do that.
When Dr. Stevens came in she said the nurse told her I was not interested in the blood test. She did say it was standard. I asked her what it was for - she said blood type, HIV, other blood disorders, etc. She said we would take a second blood test around 16 wks so we could just do it all then - you know I was thinking, we'll just see about that.
At the end of it all, Dr. Stevens said, do you have any questions? And of course we don't because we are just so overcome with nervousness. But I did ask one thing, "So, what did the urine test say?" Meaning, positive or negative? She looked at me silly, of course, and said, "Positive, you are pregnant."
Due date - December 8, 2005

I found some notes I made in the "What to Expect When Your Expecting" book I bought after we found out we were expecting. These notes are before we found out our daughter was sick. I will type those as 'verbatim' as possible - who likes my grammer? : ) I wish I had a scanner and can just show you my pages, scribble for scrat! I will add them soon.

It has been a busy month!

Hi! It has been a while since I blogged, I do have some friends saying I need to hurry up and get some new info on here! Well, you all know this last month has been so busy and I am using precious nap time to fill up a few paragraphs just for you! : )

Very sadly on April 15, someone my sister loves very much passed away from this earth. It was sudden, and in the middle of a very difficult transition in his and her life. I know there will always be love from her to him, but when the him is not here to return the love, the her is left alone, and let down. May God fill her with everything she needs, and let her know there is still a place for her here, and she has more great things to do until it is her time to leave this earth, including continuing to love that wonderful, creative, important, special and worth while person . . . Claude.

Eddie is great - very big, tall, smart, talkative, and 'learning' what he can and cannot get away with around here! He has been trying some things, no need to explain, I am sure most of you understand, and we will prevail at raising an independant, loving, compassionate, caring, kind, smart, well-rounded, clever, creative, secure person who will show the Glory of Christ to all who sees him. Here we come life! We are in it for the long haul, and Eddie belongs to my God! Take him, run with him, grow him Your way! And don't let me get in the way, but let me guide him and enjoy him every minute! I will choose to trust you with him, even when things happen that may be difficult for our human minds to accept.

Katie is great too! She is so sweet, funny, growing big, almost crawling, looks like her mama more every day, loves her brother, and always notices when her daddy comes in the room! She is actually under the weather right now - a cold I am sure. There aren't any cases of N1H1 around here are there? : )

I have started a new thing! Well, not so new because I did it a few years ago, but let it go after Eddie was born. A friend had a party with a Mary Kay Skin Care Class. They noticed my uncanny knowledge of the product, and said, "Wow, Sarah, you really lit up and became so excited when you talked about Mary Kay! Why don't you sell it again, I will buy from you!?" So, I signed on May 2, and I am now a very encouraged, enthusiastc, happy, ready-for-my-team-members-gonna-drive-a-pink-Cadillac-soon Mary Kay Beauty Consultant!

I know, your saying, Sarah? Me? Well, it is definitly God, because He is the only thing pushing me here. He sent me several messages saying, "Sarah, do this and I am behind you 100%." So I am. Hey, if there is anyone I listen to it is Him! My husband is behind me and so supportive, and already so great on giving suggestions/advice! Thank you Ben! And, Mary Kay is behind me! I was at Patti's house having my second party and still so pumped up about it! I was thinking to myself, How in the world am I going to be successful at this? I don't know what I am doing, I have limited knowledge, low inventory, no clients, I don't really wear makeup and never have! What am I doing? Who is going to buy from me? How am I going to sell this product and be successful? I was excited but nervous, feeling a little flustered, not feeling as prepared as I wanted to be. I looked in the datebook MK sends you and the top of the page for that week said, "Nothing will help you to sell yourself better than the power of your personal enthusiasm." That was exactly what I needed to hear, because that was all I had! Personal enthusiasm. Here I come! I am going to be driving that pink Cadillac, and do what God has asked me to do - encourage other women, help them believe that they are something special, someone whom God made just for him. Women, look out for me. I may be limited on my skills right now, but that does not stop God from doing what He wants to do. I am willing, I have given myself over to Him, so if He is sending me your way, I'm coming!

I am so excited! WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!

Now, I have been thinking about Maddy a lot lately. An aquantence had a sweet little girl with Potter's Syndrome on April 13, Joy Kathryn Causey, around 3 1/2 lbs. She lived a couple hours, and I could do nothing but think about her that day, and for several after. Then my good friend whose second son lived 50 days before going to heaven, became a mentor to a couple who are currently in their first pregnancy with a little, lovely Klhoe, who is due in 5 weeks, and has Trisomy 13. Oh, how their hearts long for a miracle, Lord! They want to walk into the dr. office, look at the sonogram and be so amazed at how none of her previous symptoms are there. Oh how we pray for your hand, Lord, to do the miracle that we desire! I was thinking about this yesterday, and thought of my own prayers for a miracle. I know full well that God could have healed my daughter. I know full well that he can raise her from the dead even this moment, and she could be here. God can do anything. So, why doesn't he? I don't know. I am not God. I asked that question again, God why didn't we get that miracle? And he answered. You did. She has shown my Glory to someone. That is her miracle, be proud of her. And oh, how I loved to hear that! Thank you, God, for giving me that thought.

There is some good, wonderful reason that benifits his plan, which is in place for the good of us all. And I will choose to trust him, even though my heart has been broken. Trusting him has brought healing to my heart. I am no longer broken, and I look forward to the day I step into heaven and He shares with me some of the great reasons for Maddy's life, just as it was. Woo what a great day that will be! Hugs, kisses, together with God forever!

April 2005

After I got better from my first case of strep throat, March was over and it was now April. And I am thinking all about this new situation - pregnancy. What have I gotten myself into? I am really, honestly so deeply excited! There have been so many reasons in the past why I chose not to have children yet. And why I considered never having any. But God had made things go his way, and I was pondering the ways of the Lord.
What was I going to do at my first appointment? I was going to have it go MY way! No needles, no probing things, and that dr. better move out of my way, cause I am not compromising!
What was I going to do about gaining weight? I was not going to! I was not going to get fat! Just enought weight for baby! What clothes am I going to wear? I am going to have to shop!
What about baby furniture? What about clothes? What about an appropriate home? What about our dogs? What about the motorcycle? My job? Our extended family? Breastfeeding? Future pediatrician appointments? Staying in a hospital? LABOR AND DELIVERY?
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
There is SO much that goes through your mind when you plan such a large life change. Or in most cases, once you find out you are pregnant there is not much more planning to do. It is happening, and you are part of it now, forever. You have no choice anymore. I had so many ideas about how I wanted things to go, and what we wanted to do for our child. I wanted to read books and study and do it right and be the best mom! I wanted my child to be healthy, happy, not spoiled, not negatively affected by vaccinations, etc. So much!
Hopefully soon I will come across something that will remind me of my first appointment. It breaks my heart that I am starting to forget things.

My son

I love my Eddie. He is great. Sometimes I can get quite enough of him and wish I lived closer to family so I could pawn him off, but he really is cool.
He is starting to show me that he is a comedian. He is assimilating things from his life, and drawing them together, and starting to pretend.
He likes my sunglasses, and knows he is not supposed to use them. We were on the deck this afternoon, I went in quickly with Katie to grab something and when I came out he had my sunglasses on his eyes. He was looking around.
Mommy - "You are not supposed to have those."
Eddie - "Heh, BobbuGoggu, he he."
Mommy wonder's what he is saying.
Eddie - "Dat so silly."
I say that's so silly very often.
Eddie points to something out in the trees, "He he, BobbuGoggu."
And I realize what he is saying, "Wobble Goggles."
So, who watches Imagination Movers? Eddie does, and he loves them. LOVES the "Moo-bers". They are alright, a little odd, but alright. They have great music. One of the movers wears some goggles on his head that he uses to see xray and sounds so he can help solve problems.
Then, about 4 weeks ago we had some friends come visit with us. We were all sitting in the living room around 10:30 am and the doorbell rang. Eddie screams, "PIZZA!" It was Hilarious! That just shows you how often the doorbell rings, or how often we eat pizza! : )
He is great. A little frustrating sometimes since he is two, but great none the less, and I love him.

Things that make you go mmm.

No, it's not a song today, although I remember jamming to that one!
The past 2 weeks have been beautiful - the leaves have opened, flowers have blossomed and spring his sprung! It is so fresh outside. I know there has been a large amount of rain and storms that have made things difficlt for a lot of us, but it is still so great outside!

This past week has brought me many wonderful thoughts. Tuesday we had a wonderful MOPS meeting with a great discussion that encouraged me and affirmed choices I am making! Thank you MOPS! On Wednesday the kids and I went for a walk at a local botanical trail. Eddie and I went there this exact time last year to see the spring azaleas. It was great, he rode in the stroller and we walked and I really enjoyed it. I never went back though, because summer time is rough on a big pregnant belly going for walks up a hill pushing a 30 + lb toddler with a heat index of 100 sweltering around you. Then I had a newborn, and then winter, and so now I vowed to go again to see the azaleas. We did and Katie rode in the stroller, and Eddie and I walked and it was fun. I even started to reach down into the bag to pull out some peanuts and banana chips (a favorite snack of mine) to munch on . . . oh, wait, there aren't any peanuts and banana chips. I haven't bought any of that in months. I was remembering having them the last time when Eddie and I went together. Crazy things your memory does to you . . . mmm.

Yesterday was nice. It was supposed to storm but there was a nice little break in the storms around our area and we just got a little shower. Then my husband came home and kissed me. Eddie went to sleep last night late, but we were playing. Katie went to sleep last night late, around 11:00, but this time she actually stayed asleep until 5:00! You go Katie! She doesn't do that very often. I nursed her and then put her back in her bed at 5:45 and she is still there. I like hearing my little baby wake up in her bed. I loved hearing Eddie wake up in his. It was hilarious. Ben and I would be in bed on a Saturday morning, sleeping as long as we could. Soon, a little earlier than we'd like we'd hear a 'thud'. Then another 'thud'. 'Thud - shhh - thud.'
"Eddie's awake."
He would stick his feet up in the air and throw them down onto his mattress. So cool. Katie has done that, but rarely is she asleep in her bed when she wakes up. She is usually next to me in my bed when I wake up with the alarm. Lazy mommy, doesn't put baby back in her bed at 2:27 am. I remember when I would lay down nursing her, I frequently woke up to her holding me hand, even when she was just a wee one. Now, she is not so wee.

What do you mean, I have to find a new doctor?

[Before you start reading this blog, know I spent 1 hour writing, and more than that trying to make a playlist and post it on this page so I could "set the mood" for you. Unfortunately something is amok and it is not working! Ugh! So, if you please, type this - led zeppelin, going to california - in the field to the right and search. Then click on the play arrow. If your sound is on, you should hear music that is special to me while you read. As you get to the bottom, you will see what it means to me. : ) ]

Wednesday, March 30, 2005.
So I am home. I am very sick. But I don't care one bit! I am pregnant! Woohoo! I am sooooo excited! I wonder when the baby is due?
(I am trying very hard to remember what I was thinking and what happened during this time. I have not been the best record keeper, even though I have always wanted to. I am sure there are notes and remembrances about this time somewhere, but this was 4 years, 4 houses, 3 pregnancies, 3 dogs and 3 cats, 4 scrapbooks (which are all pretty much in the same condition they were in when they were bought), and probably 2 purses and 3 diaper bags ago. Many are thinking, "Only 2 purses? Crazy!" But if you know me well, you are proud I even had that many. And truthfully, I still use all 3 diaper bags, and both purses are in my closet! Maybe I should look there for clues . . . )
So I guess I should use this time at home to be constructive, and not just sit around and watch tv. I decided to call my doctor and let her know. Now I am about to let out my lack of knowledge at this point. My Dr.'s office said congratulations, and referred me to someone else. I was confused. Why can't she be my Dr.? I had already been brave and walked into your office, done my womanly responsibility and had my yearly exam? Don't you think I deserve the respect not to have to meet someone new? I asked why, and the nurse said my Dr. didn't deliver anymore. I just didn't get it. I was cut to the quick, and honestly felt like I was being passed off. The nurse told me they only did gynecological stuff. And? What's that got to do with why you won't deliver me? I honestly did not know the difference, and I don't think the nurse understood how naive I was in this matter. I asked again why the Dr. couldn't deliver me, she said it was too expensive for her insurance.
I took the number to the referred office and reluctantly hung up the phone.
I felt personally betrayed. It took me the next few minutes to hold back frustrated tears and man the yellow pages, noticing the headings for physician listings were different - Gynecology and Obstetrics/Gynecology. My previous Dr. was listed among the first. Ok, so the nurse was not purposefully mean, maybe she was right after all. It even took me till the first appointment to let it sink in what the difference was in the titles. I felt too stupid to ask anyone to tell me.
I called the new Dr. Spoke with the nurse about setting up an appointment. This can be extremely overwhelming if you are like the ignoramus in the previous paragraph. Oh wait! That's me! So guess what, it was extremely overwhelming! They asked about insurance, and ours was not that great. It didn't cover maternity. So, we were self pay. And the finance lady was not easy about it - "$3,300 total for regular appointments and delivery, that does not include lab fees, additional ultrasounds and appointments if necessary. You will need to make a down payment on the first appointment and set up a payment plan at that time, with the balance being paid by the 7th month. You have your first appointment in April."
So, I thought this was like a shop around and find the cheapest one deal. I tried to find another Dr. The next one I called didn't even answer the phone. Ok.
The next one did not have an appealing name. (Male, sorry, not for me!)
The next one I called gave me the same basic info.
So, overwhelming. But we started this and we are going to finish it.
I kept the appointment with the first Dr. Dr. Stevens, a lady!

This was a beautiful day! The only thing that could have made it better would be if Ben was home. This morning the sun was shining, and Katie, Eddie and I were enjoying it. I put on some special "get up and move about the house music". Led Zeppelin, I love to listen to most of their stuff. My parents played it a lot as we were growing up, especially on Saturday mornings. The windows would be up. The attic open, old boxes dug through. Cleaning day. Playing around the house day. I love it. I still love to just listen to them. Ben got me a special box set for my birthday several years ago, and the music is compiled in a certain way by Page and Plant. My favorite now is the second cd. I listened to it a lot while I was pregnant with Maddy, and one song in particular is special to me.
Going to California
I was walking through the kitchen to switch the laundry over, Eddie was following me dancing. Katie was playing on the floor. As I was singing I remembered . . .

. . . made up my mind, make a new start, going to California with an aching in my heart . . . someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes, and flowers . . . in her hair . . .

. . . . . . . . . .


I remembered, singing to her . . . and for a tenth of a second I sang to her as if she were still here, in me, and instantly I remembered . . . that time was gone. It had already passed, and she was not there listening. But it was real, it had happened, I had done that once.

It's been a beautiful day . . .

I don't have a journal post for Maddy today. But I wanted to say it has been a beautiful day.
I spent a little time with my cousin Carley and her 11 day old Zoe, Great Grandma Helen, Grandma Maggie, and my mom. Then around 4 pm, mom and grandma left, and Eddie, Katie and I sat in the front yard and picked little clover flowers. The sun was so nice, and the grass was perfect for tasting, and we had a wonderful time.

Becoming a mom . . .

Becoming a mom is so much more than just being the mother of another person. Today was a special day to be a mom. I went to a friends house who is celebrating her son's 2nd birthday. There was 6 mo. old Katie there, 5 month old Andrew, 4 month old Brock, 2 yr. Riley, 2.2 yr. Eddie, 2.5 year Katherine/Claire, and 2.7 yr. Ace. Oh, the children! They are so cool.

Today at home I was finishing up a little project and got into my Maddy chest, Eddie looking behind me. He said, "OH!", gasped and snatched out an elephant that we bought for her early in the pregnancy. Eddie has a thing with elephants. A few weeks after Kate was born we needed to occupy him with something so we put in "Winnie the Pooh, and Heffalumps, too" which I recommend for anyone. He has never been attached to anything - ever - until the Heffalumps came around. After this movie he found in his room a little, yellow elephant a good friend gave us, and he has had that thing by his side from then on - his Lumpy. Since then he has acquired 7 other "Lumpy's", including one large, grey Mommy Lumpy and one Little Lumpy. Now he has "Maddy's" Lumpy. I told him he could play with Maddy's Lumpy today, but that we'd have to put him back in her box later.

This evening, Ben came home and helped me by watching Kate and Eddie for about 1 1/2 hrs while I went to see a brand new, 2 1/2 day old Zoe Ann Laney! Congratulations Carley and Chris! She is beautiful. All she did was bring me joy when I saw her, reminding me how sweet it was and is to have children of my own.

Tonight as I was trying to get Eddie to sleep way too late (thank you Daylight Savings Time) we read "The Little Engine That Could". Love that one. So good. I-think-I-can, I-think-I-can, I-think-I-can. I LOVE reading to children. I LOVE reading to MY children. Mommy moment. After that he collected his lot of Lumpy's and tried to go to sleep. It took many, many, many, many, many minutes, and a couple of "Mama's!" and also one, "Eddie, go back to bed". But I finally sang him to sleep tonight. I don't do that much anymore. It takes so much time to "put" both babies to bed, I have gotten Eddie to where he falls asleep on his own now. But I enjoyed looking at him tonight as he fell asleep.

When I left I contemplated taking Maddy's Lumpy.

I got up, gently lifted him off Eddie's pillow, said good night, and put him away in Maddy's box. I wonder what Eddie will say tomorrow about it. I am sure he will notice.



Those are the sweet mommy moments of the day. So many wonderful children to play with today! So many wonderful people that God loves, so many ways that He blesses us. Thank you, Lord! You amaze me, and always show me how important we are to you.

Wondering, watching, waiting!

February/March 2005

Well, when I gave Ben that special Valentine's gift, I had already stopped the birth control. So, we wondered could I already be pregnant? You know almost everyone would be that hopeful and optimistic. So February was exciting, promising, full of bubbly expectations! But by the end of the month, nothing new happened, so not pregnant yet.
March was a little busy. March always seems busy for us. The first March we were together, I was a junior in high school and on a three week trip to Kyrgyzstan, where I was an exchange student. I had always dreamed of doing that, and it was so great. The second March, Ben was in the hospital with a terrible staff infection. He was on IV antibiotics for about 2 days. He just thought that sore looked a little funny, and he was right!
The third March, we got married! WOOHOO! March 6, 1999. So, as of yesterday we have been married 10 years. Yipee!
The fourth March, I can't think of much that happened. The fifth March, I received a letter from Mississippi College saying I had received a Presidential Scholarship and 75% of my tuition was paid! Oh My BIG Excitement that day! I was so happy, and knew that God had everything to do with that! The sixth March, surviving college. The seventh March, surviving college. The eighth March, we visited Destin, FL, for a job interview with Ben and he got the job! We were moving to FL! How exciting!
And now the ninth March. 2005. And we are trying to have a baby. When will we know? Oh, the waiting . . . yeah, I know it has only been a few weeks since we started trying, and it takes some couples a year to conceive, but we were READY!!!!!! BABY NOW I SAY!!!!!!!!!!
My younger sister Patti had actually been the first in our family to start having children. This March (2005) she and her husband Scott came to visit, very pregnant with a little girl, due June 22. She was so excited. We had a great time. Went to eat at the Lucky Snapper, and got a great picture of Ben and me that we love so much, and is very special to us.
Well, after they left that Sunday, the next morning I woke up with that terrible feeling in the back of your throat, the one where you know you were too close to that snot nosed kid last week - yuck! I knew I was too close to that kid, but I couldn't get away from him because that was my job - preschool teacher. And guess what was going around there? Strep throat. I had never had that - ever! So Monday at work I just wasn't myself. Tuesday, I was worse - I even had a fever come up, and just felt awful. So I scrounged around for a doctor to see, got an appointment for Wednesday morning and by the time I got home was very anxious to know something.
It was almost time for my cycle, almost. I wasn't going to test until the day I expected to start. I probably was not pregnant. But what if I was? I needed to know what to tell the doctor just in case he needed to prescribe me antibiotics. So, here I go . . . POSITIVE!!!!! I can't describe how excited I was, how thrilled, how overwhelmed with joy! It was so amazing.
Ben and Sarah + baby makes three!
Wednesday morning I go to this doctor. My symptoms indicate to this far out there dude that I have strep throat - and he takes a swab of the back of my throat, and I apologize for almost throwing up on him because until that moment the only thing I have ever done at the doctors is cry at the pediatricians when I got my childhood immunizations and cry at the gynecologists when I, well, you know. He leaves to test it and doesn't even have to wait to see the strip change color. He said it was so hot for strep it changed color the instant in touched the liquid.
Well, a couple firsts for me. Strep throat and pregnant. Before he prescribed my meds, I told him the good news.
Dr. - "Excellent, that's wonderful. How long have you been trying?"
Sarah - "Six weeks."
Dr. - "Wow there, I guess you are fertile Myrtle then, aren't ya," - chuckle chuckle
Sarah - sheepish grin
The doctor gives me the low down on staying home from work (YES! Terry, if you're reading this you know I would rather have been at work than stuck at home for two days pondering this new, terrifying, scary, AAAHHH!, should I have made this decision?, God this has got to be You all the way journey) and the meds I needed to take, including hitting a high note for the prenatals. But I was covered there, I had already started that weeks ago. : )