What do you mean, I have to find a new doctor?

[Before you start reading this blog, know I spent 1 hour writing, and more than that trying to make a playlist and post it on this page so I could "set the mood" for you. Unfortunately something is amok and it is not working! Ugh! So, if you please, type this - led zeppelin, going to california - in the field to the right and search. Then click on the play arrow. If your sound is on, you should hear music that is special to me while you read. As you get to the bottom, you will see what it means to me. : ) ]

Wednesday, March 30, 2005.
So I am home. I am very sick. But I don't care one bit! I am pregnant! Woohoo! I am sooooo excited! I wonder when the baby is due?
(I am trying very hard to remember what I was thinking and what happened during this time. I have not been the best record keeper, even though I have always wanted to. I am sure there are notes and remembrances about this time somewhere, but this was 4 years, 4 houses, 3 pregnancies, 3 dogs and 3 cats, 4 scrapbooks (which are all pretty much in the same condition they were in when they were bought), and probably 2 purses and 3 diaper bags ago. Many are thinking, "Only 2 purses? Crazy!" But if you know me well, you are proud I even had that many. And truthfully, I still use all 3 diaper bags, and both purses are in my closet! Maybe I should look there for clues . . . )
So I guess I should use this time at home to be constructive, and not just sit around and watch tv. I decided to call my doctor and let her know. Now I am about to let out my lack of knowledge at this point. My Dr.'s office said congratulations, and referred me to someone else. I was confused. Why can't she be my Dr.? I had already been brave and walked into your office, done my womanly responsibility and had my yearly exam? Don't you think I deserve the respect not to have to meet someone new? I asked why, and the nurse said my Dr. didn't deliver anymore. I just didn't get it. I was cut to the quick, and honestly felt like I was being passed off. The nurse told me they only did gynecological stuff. And? What's that got to do with why you won't deliver me? I honestly did not know the difference, and I don't think the nurse understood how naive I was in this matter. I asked again why the Dr. couldn't deliver me, she said it was too expensive for her insurance.
I took the number to the referred office and reluctantly hung up the phone.
I felt personally betrayed. It took me the next few minutes to hold back frustrated tears and man the yellow pages, noticing the headings for physician listings were different - Gynecology and Obstetrics/Gynecology. My previous Dr. was listed among the first. Ok, so the nurse was not purposefully mean, maybe she was right after all. It even took me till the first appointment to let it sink in what the difference was in the titles. I felt too stupid to ask anyone to tell me.
I called the new Dr. Spoke with the nurse about setting up an appointment. This can be extremely overwhelming if you are like the ignoramus in the previous paragraph. Oh wait! That's me! So guess what, it was extremely overwhelming! They asked about insurance, and ours was not that great. It didn't cover maternity. So, we were self pay. And the finance lady was not easy about it - "$3,300 total for regular appointments and delivery, that does not include lab fees, additional ultrasounds and appointments if necessary. You will need to make a down payment on the first appointment and set up a payment plan at that time, with the balance being paid by the 7th month. You have your first appointment in April."
So, I thought this was like a shop around and find the cheapest one deal. I tried to find another Dr. The next one I called didn't even answer the phone. Ok.
The next one did not have an appealing name. (Male, sorry, not for me!)
The next one I called gave me the same basic info.
So, overwhelming. But we started this and we are going to finish it.
I kept the appointment with the first Dr. Dr. Stevens, a lady!

This was a beautiful day! The only thing that could have made it better would be if Ben was home. This morning the sun was shining, and Katie, Eddie and I were enjoying it. I put on some special "get up and move about the house music". Led Zeppelin, I love to listen to most of their stuff. My parents played it a lot as we were growing up, especially on Saturday mornings. The windows would be up. The attic open, old boxes dug through. Cleaning day. Playing around the house day. I love it. I still love to just listen to them. Ben got me a special box set for my birthday several years ago, and the music is compiled in a certain way by Page and Plant. My favorite now is the second cd. I listened to it a lot while I was pregnant with Maddy, and one song in particular is special to me.
Going to California
I was walking through the kitchen to switch the laundry over, Eddie was following me dancing. Katie was playing on the floor. As I was singing I remembered . . .

. . . made up my mind, make a new start, going to California with an aching in my heart . . . someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes, and flowers . . . in her hair . . .

. . . . . . . . . .


I remembered, singing to her . . . and for a tenth of a second I sang to her as if she were still here, in me, and instantly I remembered . . . that time was gone. It had already passed, and she was not there listening. But it was real, it had happened, I had done that once.

It's been a beautiful day . . .

I don't have a journal post for Maddy today. But I wanted to say it has been a beautiful day.
I spent a little time with my cousin Carley and her 11 day old Zoe, Great Grandma Helen, Grandma Maggie, and my mom. Then around 4 pm, mom and grandma left, and Eddie, Katie and I sat in the front yard and picked little clover flowers. The sun was so nice, and the grass was perfect for tasting, and we had a wonderful time.

Becoming a mom . . .

Becoming a mom is so much more than just being the mother of another person. Today was a special day to be a mom. I went to a friends house who is celebrating her son's 2nd birthday. There was 6 mo. old Katie there, 5 month old Andrew, 4 month old Brock, 2 yr. Riley, 2.2 yr. Eddie, 2.5 year Katherine/Claire, and 2.7 yr. Ace. Oh, the children! They are so cool.

Today at home I was finishing up a little project and got into my Maddy chest, Eddie looking behind me. He said, "OH!", gasped and snatched out an elephant that we bought for her early in the pregnancy. Eddie has a thing with elephants. A few weeks after Kate was born we needed to occupy him with something so we put in "Winnie the Pooh, and Heffalumps, too" which I recommend for anyone. He has never been attached to anything - ever - until the Heffalumps came around. After this movie he found in his room a little, yellow elephant a good friend gave us, and he has had that thing by his side from then on - his Lumpy. Since then he has acquired 7 other "Lumpy's", including one large, grey Mommy Lumpy and one Little Lumpy. Now he has "Maddy's" Lumpy. I told him he could play with Maddy's Lumpy today, but that we'd have to put him back in her box later.

This evening, Ben came home and helped me by watching Kate and Eddie for about 1 1/2 hrs while I went to see a brand new, 2 1/2 day old Zoe Ann Laney! Congratulations Carley and Chris! She is beautiful. All she did was bring me joy when I saw her, reminding me how sweet it was and is to have children of my own.

Tonight as I was trying to get Eddie to sleep way too late (thank you Daylight Savings Time) we read "The Little Engine That Could". Love that one. So good. I-think-I-can, I-think-I-can, I-think-I-can. I LOVE reading to children. I LOVE reading to MY children. Mommy moment. After that he collected his lot of Lumpy's and tried to go to sleep. It took many, many, many, many, many minutes, and a couple of "Mama's!" and also one, "Eddie, go back to bed". But I finally sang him to sleep tonight. I don't do that much anymore. It takes so much time to "put" both babies to bed, I have gotten Eddie to where he falls asleep on his own now. But I enjoyed looking at him tonight as he fell asleep.

When I left I contemplated taking Maddy's Lumpy.

I got up, gently lifted him off Eddie's pillow, said good night, and put him away in Maddy's box. I wonder what Eddie will say tomorrow about it. I am sure he will notice.



Those are the sweet mommy moments of the day. So many wonderful children to play with today! So many wonderful people that God loves, so many ways that He blesses us. Thank you, Lord! You amaze me, and always show me how important we are to you.

Wondering, watching, waiting!

February/March 2005

Well, when I gave Ben that special Valentine's gift, I had already stopped the birth control. So, we wondered could I already be pregnant? You know almost everyone would be that hopeful and optimistic. So February was exciting, promising, full of bubbly expectations! But by the end of the month, nothing new happened, so not pregnant yet.
March was a little busy. March always seems busy for us. The first March we were together, I was a junior in high school and on a three week trip to Kyrgyzstan, where I was an exchange student. I had always dreamed of doing that, and it was so great. The second March, Ben was in the hospital with a terrible staff infection. He was on IV antibiotics for about 2 days. He just thought that sore looked a little funny, and he was right!
The third March, we got married! WOOHOO! March 6, 1999. So, as of yesterday we have been married 10 years. Yipee!
The fourth March, I can't think of much that happened. The fifth March, I received a letter from Mississippi College saying I had received a Presidential Scholarship and 75% of my tuition was paid! Oh My BIG Excitement that day! I was so happy, and knew that God had everything to do with that! The sixth March, surviving college. The seventh March, surviving college. The eighth March, we visited Destin, FL, for a job interview with Ben and he got the job! We were moving to FL! How exciting!
And now the ninth March. 2005. And we are trying to have a baby. When will we know? Oh, the waiting . . . yeah, I know it has only been a few weeks since we started trying, and it takes some couples a year to conceive, but we were READY!!!!!! BABY NOW I SAY!!!!!!!!!!
My younger sister Patti had actually been the first in our family to start having children. This March (2005) she and her husband Scott came to visit, very pregnant with a little girl, due June 22. She was so excited. We had a great time. Went to eat at the Lucky Snapper, and got a great picture of Ben and me that we love so much, and is very special to us.
Well, after they left that Sunday, the next morning I woke up with that terrible feeling in the back of your throat, the one where you know you were too close to that snot nosed kid last week - yuck! I knew I was too close to that kid, but I couldn't get away from him because that was my job - preschool teacher. And guess what was going around there? Strep throat. I had never had that - ever! So Monday at work I just wasn't myself. Tuesday, I was worse - I even had a fever come up, and just felt awful. So I scrounged around for a doctor to see, got an appointment for Wednesday morning and by the time I got home was very anxious to know something.
It was almost time for my cycle, almost. I wasn't going to test until the day I expected to start. I probably was not pregnant. But what if I was? I needed to know what to tell the doctor just in case he needed to prescribe me antibiotics. So, here I go . . . POSITIVE!!!!! I can't describe how excited I was, how thrilled, how overwhelmed with joy! It was so amazing.
Ben and Sarah + baby makes three!
Wednesday morning I go to this doctor. My symptoms indicate to this far out there dude that I have strep throat - and he takes a swab of the back of my throat, and I apologize for almost throwing up on him because until that moment the only thing I have ever done at the doctors is cry at the pediatricians when I got my childhood immunizations and cry at the gynecologists when I, well, you know. He leaves to test it and doesn't even have to wait to see the strip change color. He said it was so hot for strep it changed color the instant in touched the liquid.
Well, a couple firsts for me. Strep throat and pregnant. Before he prescribed my meds, I told him the good news.
Dr. - "Excellent, that's wonderful. How long have you been trying?"
Sarah - "Six weeks."
Dr. - "Wow there, I guess you are fertile Myrtle then, aren't ya," - chuckle chuckle
Sarah - sheepish grin
The doctor gives me the low down on staying home from work (YES! Terry, if you're reading this you know I would rather have been at work than stuck at home for two days pondering this new, terrifying, scary, AAAHHH!, should I have made this decision?, God this has got to be You all the way journey) and the meds I needed to take, including hitting a high note for the prenatals. But I was covered there, I had already started that weeks ago. : )

The beginning

Today is going good - God is always here with us, teaching us, and I am thankful for that!
I am going to start writing about Maddy's life today, with a little history. Her story will be written in a different color/font. That way you will know what you are reading. I will also try to date it. I have a few journals that I will pull from as the days go by . . . I am looking forward to this.

When I was younger, as Ben and I got married, I secretly thought I would never have children. As a choice. Now I knew never to say that, because you should NEVER speak in absolutes. So I never did. Of course I told Ben how I felt. I had reasons. But I also knew that God can do anything, and that if He wanted me to have children, He had a lot of convincing to do. I think deep down I knew He was going to convince. I just thought it might have a lot to do with adoption! : P
So, honestly my main reasons for not wanting to have my own children stem from not wanting to be pregnant, which stems from not seeing myself as a grown woman, able to contend with the image an adult woman has. My issues with this were numerous. Not really a makeup person, didn't do my hair, not 'pretty' enough, not enough women friends. I am sure many of you can relate to this in soooo many ways. So, there is no need to really explain. Everyone has their own experiences with growing up. Mine left me thinking of myself as less than a grown woman.
Fortunately, God is great, and good, and loving, and kind, and He prunes us very well!
I had graduated from college in Dec. 2003, we moved to Florida in spring 2004. Oh sweet and glorious escape! It was soooo nice to move somewhere else. We oh so enjoyed everything about it except for the dramatic increase in the cost of living (ouch). Ben was getting anxious. He did not want to have children when he was too old. He would be 29 in 2005. I know that is not old, but he was thinking ahead - he didn't want to be too old at his children's graduations, weddings, grandkids, that sort of thing. In the beginning of January 2005, I was talking with a very good friend from work about having children, why she had decided to, etc. She had fears too and said to me, "Sarah, your children are worth so much more than that fear. It will be worth it." That was it for me.
I gave myself till the end of January to make my decision. But truthfully, I had decided the moment the conversation was over. It was time to start having children. Oh, and I was so excited about it! So filled with joy and love and anticipation. Knowing there were promises that God had made, knowing my children would be wonderful, they would be healthy, I would be healthy, that everything would be ok! God knows that I can't handle the hard stuff, and He was going to take care of me.
So, for Valentine's Day 2005, I gave Ben the rest of my birth control in a pretty little purple box. He was so excited and so was I! Oh! When would we have our baby? If any of you ever started planning children, you began calculating due dates, etc.! Oh, I would have loved to have a baby for Christmas. That would have been a wonderful gift. We couldn't wait to see how God was going to work in our lives.