What do you mean, I have to find a new doctor?

[Before you start reading this blog, know I spent 1 hour writing, and more than that trying to make a playlist and post it on this page so I could "set the mood" for you. Unfortunately something is amok and it is not working! Ugh! So, if you please, type this - led zeppelin, going to california - in the field to the right and search. Then click on the play arrow. If your sound is on, you should hear music that is special to me while you read. As you get to the bottom, you will see what it means to me. : ) ]

Wednesday, March 30, 2005.
So I am home. I am very sick. But I don't care one bit! I am pregnant! Woohoo! I am sooooo excited! I wonder when the baby is due?
(I am trying very hard to remember what I was thinking and what happened during this time. I have not been the best record keeper, even though I have always wanted to. I am sure there are notes and remembrances about this time somewhere, but this was 4 years, 4 houses, 3 pregnancies, 3 dogs and 3 cats, 4 scrapbooks (which are all pretty much in the same condition they were in when they were bought), and probably 2 purses and 3 diaper bags ago. Many are thinking, "Only 2 purses? Crazy!" But if you know me well, you are proud I even had that many. And truthfully, I still use all 3 diaper bags, and both purses are in my closet! Maybe I should look there for clues . . . )
So I guess I should use this time at home to be constructive, and not just sit around and watch tv. I decided to call my doctor and let her know. Now I am about to let out my lack of knowledge at this point. My Dr.'s office said congratulations, and referred me to someone else. I was confused. Why can't she be my Dr.? I had already been brave and walked into your office, done my womanly responsibility and had my yearly exam? Don't you think I deserve the respect not to have to meet someone new? I asked why, and the nurse said my Dr. didn't deliver anymore. I just didn't get it. I was cut to the quick, and honestly felt like I was being passed off. The nurse told me they only did gynecological stuff. And? What's that got to do with why you won't deliver me? I honestly did not know the difference, and I don't think the nurse understood how naive I was in this matter. I asked again why the Dr. couldn't deliver me, she said it was too expensive for her insurance.
I took the number to the referred office and reluctantly hung up the phone.
I felt personally betrayed. It took me the next few minutes to hold back frustrated tears and man the yellow pages, noticing the headings for physician listings were different - Gynecology and Obstetrics/Gynecology. My previous Dr. was listed among the first. Ok, so the nurse was not purposefully mean, maybe she was right after all. It even took me till the first appointment to let it sink in what the difference was in the titles. I felt too stupid to ask anyone to tell me.
I called the new Dr. Spoke with the nurse about setting up an appointment. This can be extremely overwhelming if you are like the ignoramus in the previous paragraph. Oh wait! That's me! So guess what, it was extremely overwhelming! They asked about insurance, and ours was not that great. It didn't cover maternity. So, we were self pay. And the finance lady was not easy about it - "$3,300 total for regular appointments and delivery, that does not include lab fees, additional ultrasounds and appointments if necessary. You will need to make a down payment on the first appointment and set up a payment plan at that time, with the balance being paid by the 7th month. You have your first appointment in April."
So, I thought this was like a shop around and find the cheapest one deal. I tried to find another Dr. The next one I called didn't even answer the phone. Ok.
The next one did not have an appealing name. (Male, sorry, not for me!)
The next one I called gave me the same basic info.
So, overwhelming. But we started this and we are going to finish it.
I kept the appointment with the first Dr. Dr. Stevens, a lady!

This was a beautiful day! The only thing that could have made it better would be if Ben was home. This morning the sun was shining, and Katie, Eddie and I were enjoying it. I put on some special "get up and move about the house music". Led Zeppelin, I love to listen to most of their stuff. My parents played it a lot as we were growing up, especially on Saturday mornings. The windows would be up. The attic open, old boxes dug through. Cleaning day. Playing around the house day. I love it. I still love to just listen to them. Ben got me a special box set for my birthday several years ago, and the music is compiled in a certain way by Page and Plant. My favorite now is the second cd. I listened to it a lot while I was pregnant with Maddy, and one song in particular is special to me.
Going to California
I was walking through the kitchen to switch the laundry over, Eddie was following me dancing. Katie was playing on the floor. As I was singing I remembered . . .

. . . made up my mind, make a new start, going to California with an aching in my heart . . . someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes, and flowers . . . in her hair . . .

. . . . . . . . . .


I remembered, singing to her . . . and for a tenth of a second I sang to her as if she were still here, in me, and instantly I remembered . . . that time was gone. It had already passed, and she was not there listening. But it was real, it had happened, I had done that once.