The beginning

Today is going good - God is always here with us, teaching us, and I am thankful for that!
I am going to start writing about Maddy's life today, with a little history. Her story will be written in a different color/font. That way you will know what you are reading. I will also try to date it. I have a few journals that I will pull from as the days go by . . . I am looking forward to this.

When I was younger, as Ben and I got married, I secretly thought I would never have children. As a choice. Now I knew never to say that, because you should NEVER speak in absolutes. So I never did. Of course I told Ben how I felt. I had reasons. But I also knew that God can do anything, and that if He wanted me to have children, He had a lot of convincing to do. I think deep down I knew He was going to convince. I just thought it might have a lot to do with adoption! : P
So, honestly my main reasons for not wanting to have my own children stem from not wanting to be pregnant, which stems from not seeing myself as a grown woman, able to contend with the image an adult woman has. My issues with this were numerous. Not really a makeup person, didn't do my hair, not 'pretty' enough, not enough women friends. I am sure many of you can relate to this in soooo many ways. So, there is no need to really explain. Everyone has their own experiences with growing up. Mine left me thinking of myself as less than a grown woman.
Fortunately, God is great, and good, and loving, and kind, and He prunes us very well!
I had graduated from college in Dec. 2003, we moved to Florida in spring 2004. Oh sweet and glorious escape! It was soooo nice to move somewhere else. We oh so enjoyed everything about it except for the dramatic increase in the cost of living (ouch). Ben was getting anxious. He did not want to have children when he was too old. He would be 29 in 2005. I know that is not old, but he was thinking ahead - he didn't want to be too old at his children's graduations, weddings, grandkids, that sort of thing. In the beginning of January 2005, I was talking with a very good friend from work about having children, why she had decided to, etc. She had fears too and said to me, "Sarah, your children are worth so much more than that fear. It will be worth it." That was it for me.
I gave myself till the end of January to make my decision. But truthfully, I had decided the moment the conversation was over. It was time to start having children. Oh, and I was so excited about it! So filled with joy and love and anticipation. Knowing there were promises that God had made, knowing my children would be wonderful, they would be healthy, I would be healthy, that everything would be ok! God knows that I can't handle the hard stuff, and He was going to take care of me.
So, for Valentine's Day 2005, I gave Ben the rest of my birth control in a pretty little purple box. He was so excited and so was I! Oh! When would we have our baby? If any of you ever started planning children, you began calculating due dates, etc.! Oh, I would have loved to have a baby for Christmas. That would have been a wonderful gift. We couldn't wait to see how God was going to work in our lives.