Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Maddy's Birthday

Today is Maddy's birthday. I still believe her life happened (and is happening) just as it was meant to. I have no regrets. But I do wonder sometimes these days as I watch her brother and sisters grow, Where is my 6 year old? What would it be like to have a 4th child included in this herd of cats? hehe. Okay, Sarah, they aren't bad, just busy. : )
I do think she would look like her sisters, and wonder what her favorite fruit would be. She would be so great at being a kindergartener this year.

As always, I love talking about her, our story of having our first child. I thought alot about it over the last few days; well, truly the last month. If you know Maddy's story, the next two paragraphs are just a repeat you can skip if you don't have the time.

This year the days all fall on the same day everything happened in 2005. Ben and I found a sweet, clean, beautiful home in October of 2005 and moved on Monday, Oct. 31. The Friday before that was Oct. 28. A dr appointment for me. Stress test. Maddy did not pass: C+. That may be good for school, but it is not good for a baby. Still, since we already knew her condition, we didn't do anything. On Friday Nov. 4 I started to think about her birth and keeping her as comfortable as possible and wanted to have her at a heart hospital in Pensacola so I called the dr to discuss it. There was conversation over the phone but we decided to wait until my next appointment to make real decisions. That first weekend in our new home was wonderful. We unpacked some boxes, relaxed, went for a walk to the beach and on the beach. Yes, our new home was 2 blocks from the Gulf of Mexico. Oh we miss that home. The walk was wonderful. Went to work Monday, and Tuesday, Nov. 8 was my appointment. The dr was very open to my questions and my desires, and even though I went there to convince her to let me have Maddy in Pensacola, I don't remember what we actually decided. At the end of the appointment, I asked to hear her heartbeat. Sadly, it could not be found. An ultrasound confirmed that Maddy's heart was no longer beating. The discussion started anew: What do we do now?

Simply enough, I was given the luxury of giving simple bloodwork, leave to go home, and a pill to start labor when I was ready. Those things were truly a gift, to let us decide when we were ready. I thank my dr for her consideration of me, and her obvious insight in what was best for me. Her behaviour and decisions throughout our pregnancy showed that she was a good but young dr and some things could have been handled better. This special thing she did for me was perfect. Ben and I went to get some things we wanted for her birth, went to eat, and started the medicine before bed. Labor happened so quickly I didn't really know what was going on. We started the hour long drive to the hospital at 12:30 am, arrived in the parking lot at 1:45 am, and she was born at 2:33 am early Wednesday morning, November 9, 2005.

I love remembering! And yesterday was a beautiful day here, warm, windy, reminded me of walking on the beach in Santa Rosa, and if I had had the choice, I would have kidnapped Ben from work and driven straight there, just to feel the wind on my face there again.

Now to make a birthday treat! : )

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